What to tell an officer who pulls you over for speeding

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing!” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away fro him – no problem!” thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”, pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver’s side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were driving 120 miles per hour that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day Sir”, said the Trooper.

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How to get quick police response

A man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  He opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is an intruder in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. The man said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now ’cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the man’s residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to the man, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”, to which he replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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Would you trust a lawyer?

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s “Best come-back” line and we think he’ll win.

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What a way to die…

A burglary suspect went over a  3-foot wall to avoid the police, but didn’t know that there was a 200 foot drop. I wonder when the inevitable lawsuit from his family will be file, claiming that there should have been a warning sign on the wall.

All I can really say is that whoever came up with the phrase “Look before you leap” was a very wise person.

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What, no doughnuts?

How stupid of a cop is this guy? He demanded free coffee and tea from Starbucks and threatened the store with slower response times if they ever needed help.After he was busted, he demanded to take a polygraph test, which he failed.

Fortunately, the police chief fired him, showing that, at least in this case, integrity is more important than police loyalty.