Upgraded cubicles and change in office policy

IMPORTANT!
Please read the entire email.
New policies are listed below the pictures of the upgraded cubicles…

DUE TO THE COST SAVINGS PLAN AND THE GO GREEN INITIATIVE, CUBICLES ARE BEING UPGRADED.

First upgrade…
Cubicles now have more wall space and a larger Inbox.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second upgrade…
You now have your own personal silent shutting door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Third upgrade…
All desk equipment meet the latest Go Green ISO 14000 standard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fourth upgrade…
You now get that personal office feel with a new window view…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fifth upgrade…
Due to the increase in temperature outside and in the building, a non-powered food and beverage cooler will be provided.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixth upgrade…
New and improved – one size fits all seating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last upgrade…
An all purpose multi-outlet, auto-sensing power supply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In exchange for the mandatory upgrades,
the following policies will go into effect immediately…

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.  There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break :
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed ELSEWHERE.
– The Management

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3 Responses

  1. Nice take on the classic “Wrap Bobs shit in Tinfoil!” I don’t know about you….but I have a feeling that office chair wouldn’t support my ass.

    The Office Rules that you included in the post were somehow passed around at my work. Our driver, who isn’t as smart as he pretends to be was all put out and pissed off….thinking they were true.

    🙂

  2. someone has too much time on their hands

  3. @pegleg: LOL

    @kat: I beg to differ 🙂

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