Right after my dog ate my homework, my cat…

A man was recently arrested in Florida for having over 1,000 child pornographic pictures on his computer.  He claimed that it wasn’t his fault – whenever he left his computer, the cat would jump onto the keyboard, and the child porn would mysteriously end up on his computer…

While I will give him some points for originality, he is a complete idiot if he thinks anybody will believe that somehow the cat knows how to get to porn sites and then download them. He would have been better off blaming it on the CIA or the FBI – that would be a much more believable story.

Worst part of economic stimulus package

Gosh darn it! Section 1604 of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (aka Economic Stimulus) states

None of the funds appropriated or otherwise made available in this Act may be used by any State or local government, or any private entity, for any casino or other gambling establishment, aquarium, zoo, golf course, or swimming pool.

How are we going to stimulate the economy without building any of these items essential to the country’s infrastructure?????

I’m back!!!

Man, I haven’t blogged anything in ages…  I’m not really sure why not. Just lazy, I guess.

A few co-workers and I have been participating in our own little diet challenge.  For July, the rules were that we had to workout 3 times per week (but the definition of workout was rather lax, as a 15-minute walk would qualify) and that we were not allowed to consume anything other than water after 7:30 pm (with the obvious loophole being that one could pig out before 7:30 pm). Anyone who blew it had to pay $2 (this penalty was per week, not per occurrence, so if you blew it once, you might as well blow it again…)

For the four weeks we did this, each of us had two weeks where we failed at least once. (My first failure occurred on the very first day, because I was so hungry at night that I had to snack at around 10 pm.)

Last Friday, we took our penalty money and splurged at a Chinese buffet…

We started  a new challenge on August 1. We have to do a 30-minute workout every day (penalty of $1 per day where you don’t do a 30-minute workout.) I have succeeded both days this month (30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday and today) so far, but I don’t see myself working out every day for a month.

I think S (one of the participants)is waiting for the rest of us to blow it so when we go out to lunch again she will be eating lunch with our money… (I don’t think she will blow it because I think she lives on a treadmill since she eats a ton and stays in great shape…. by the way, I am also in shape- round is a shape!)

Update 8/3: I lost about 3 pounds in July.

Wow, talk about shameless

During the April 3 shootings in Binghamton, New York, supervisors at the Department of Social Services did not permit their employees to leave the building (for obvious safety reasons, even though the shootings were in a different building) One of the employees, an idiot named James Kauchis, filed a formal grievance claiming that he should be paid for the lunch hour because he was not allowed to leave the building.

With thirteen dead (not including the shooter, who is not a victim) and four wounded, the first thing this asshole thinks of is being paid for being deprived of his lunch hour.  Maybe this government worker should get a new job at one of the bailed-out financial institution, where someone with his sense of priorities would fit in well.

What to tell an officer who pulls you over for speeding

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing!” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away fro him – no problem!” thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”, pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver’s side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were driving 120 miles per hour that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day Sir”, said the Trooper.

What a gold digger

A 36-year old Swedish countess is divorcing her husband. Their prenuptial agreement states that she would receive $43 million if they divorced. She is claiming that is not enough, because at her current spending rate of $53,800 per week, that money would not last her for the rest of her life.

How do you spend $53,800 per week? Well,  this article states:

Her weekly expenses also include $700 for limousine service, $4,500 for clothes, $1,000 for hair and skin treatments, $1,500 for restaurants and entertainment, and $8,000 for travel.

Amazing. One would think that a former investment banker would be smarter than that. Or maybe she used to work for AIG or Bank of America???

Pet peeve – automated phone customer service

I absolutely detest those automated customer service phone systems that ask you to speak your responses and then don’t understand you. This is even more ridiculous than the automated systems where you have to keep on pushing buttons. At least those systems make no pretense of being “human.” And it gets even worse when speak the option to speak to a human but get transferred to another  computer voice.  AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I think the first thing President Obama should do to stimulate the economy is to make these things illegal and hire real (American) humans to work customer service. (None of this outsourcing to India s**t.)

Blogger wanna-be

I am on the brink of thinking that people should be required to pass an exam in order to be able to blog.

Somebody asked the following question

I’m NEW!! and my first atempt at bloging!!

Where do I find my Blog address to send to my friends!?!

and got the following response:

The url is in the address bar! look at internet explorer (or any browser you’re using… where you type something too to search…if you’re on your blog…what you see there is your blog address..it starts with…
www…. or ..http://…………

One would think that anyone who has ever used a computer could understand that, but another blogger-wannabe responded:

This reply does not help me at all. I\m new too and I do not know how to get to my blog. Please help me.

FAIL!

Scumbag of the day

A Missouri man was arrested for attempting to hire a hitman to beat up his daughter because she would not let him see his granddaughter. And why did she not let him see the granddaughter? Because the scumbag had assaulted the woman years ago…

Popcorn man

Sacramento police recently arrested a man for burglary after they found a trail of popcorn kernels leading from the store he burglarized to his apartment.

I wonder if this idiot is related to the moron in Fresno who was arrested after leaving a trail of teriyaki chicken from the car he burglarized to his apartment. If not, maybe he is related to the idiots in Illinois (none of whom are the soon to be ex-governor) who robbed a pizza delivery person but left snow tracks for the police to track.